September 21, 2008

Open Letters

Dear A-hole Driver,

I'm sure your SUV gives you a false sense of security, but believe me, just because you can't see me while passing me does not mean I, in my little Civic Coupe, disappeared. You came literally within an arm's length of my car. I could have reached out my window and touched your door. With ease. When I honked, you swerved back into your lane. Then, I saw your hand emerge into the window frame, giving me the one-finger salute.

I'm not sure what I did or didn't do to merit that. Did I honk too long? I promise you, it was just a tap. Should've slowed down for your highness? I'll wonder until my dying day.

Such class!
Dear A-hole Drive Numero Dos,

I was tooling along in the left lane, passing a number of tightly packed cars, at a more-than-respectable *cough* pace. Most of the other cars were going somewhere between 65, the posted speed limit, and 70. I'm not the sort of person who can sit comfortably behind a long line of cars and decided to pass them, and did so at a fairly good clip (yet not speeding excessively). You, A-hole Dos in an ugly sedan, came from behind and started tailgating me. You were clearly unhappy that I was not going fast enough.

Well, sir, I'm sorry, but as long as I'm going fast enough to pass cars, that's fast enough. When I was able to, I did change into the right lane. And while passing me, you looked directly at me, flipped a bird, and mouthed to me, "Read between the lines!"

I have to quote Monty Python here. "I do not think it means what you think it means."

When you realized I was laughing hysterically at you, you spewed a few choice, four-lettered words and gestured wildly before speeding off at, I'd hazard to guess, about 90 mph.

Such class!
Dear Apollo,

I'm delighted that you had a grand ol' time today. You got to run around off-leash for a bit, and even went wading into a shallow part of the river. But, darling, when you do that, please check and make sure you can feel the bottom before plunging into a muddy part of the river. You gave your mistress a heart attack when you plunged into a sinkhole. I was about a half-dozen steps into the river when you managed to scramble out, none for worse.

Apollo, one of these days, whether you like it or not, I will make you learn how to swim! For the peace of my mind.

Lots of love,

Dear Coworker,
I'm glad that you thought Swallow Falls, MD was a gorgeous, wonderful, magical place to be. But, please, refrain from exaggerating. I came here expecting a cousin of Niagara Falls, and was sorely disappointed. One dinky little waterfall (but very pretty) and another dinkier little waterfall (somewhat pretty) does not equate "majestic."

Note to self: Next time, research the site before driving 7 hours round-trip.

Apollo has a blast though!

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